Whoa baby!!!!

About 6 years ago, I walked into a bathroom with my small shaken hands grasping onto a little white stick that would be the determiner in which path I would travel in this life. Through a small window, that was no bigger than one of the fingernails on my ice cold hands, a tiny line appeared that would forever change my life.

It was at this moment I had questioned why God would put a tiny child in my body, itself not yet fully developed, to nurish one of the most Heavenly gifts God grants a woman. Why now? Why me? Hadn't I had talked enough with God for him to know I wasn't ready or able to be a mommy? Hadn't I made my plea to him strong enough? I mean I was still a young girl myself!

It's funny at the moment of trial in our life how much we forget that God's plan, no matter how big or small, has already been set in place before you or I were even a squirmy baby in our own mother's womb. It's hard during tough times to look to the future and see how everything is going to be ok, it just takes time. I had always loved the quote by Mother Teresa that goes something like this: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."---I just didn't realize how much this quote was going to ring true in my own heart.

If it weren't for that little pink line, I would be nowhere near the woman I am today. I would be nowhere near as understanding to God's Will than I am at this very moment. I THANK GOD EVERY DAY for the little pink line that made me who I am today. I love Abby so much, and I knew from the first ultrasound that her little body was of God, and it was my duty to raise her in a loving Christianly way. It's little moments like these that prepare you for your tomorrow.

A week ago, I was back in the bathroom. My icy shaken hands were once again grasping a little white stick that was my "crystal ball" into the future. During my two minute wait I prayed, unlike 6 years ago when I prayed for the line not to appear, I prayed for the Lord's will to be done and for me to have the strength and faithfulness to serve him in whatever way he was about lead my life.

Sure enough there it was again, a tiny pink line, that would be insignificant if it appeared anywhere else but my magical stick that predicts the future. In the midst of this new news, and having to wrap my brain around the reality I was going to have 3 little ones, I was brought to tears thinking about what a blessing this truly is. Despite not being as well off financially as I would like to be, I am grateful at how close to God I feel knowing a little piece of heaven will be with me internally for 9months. I am grateful that the Lord knows me better than I know myself. Even if there's someone out there who may think I can't handle this right now, with all I have going on with school, I know the Lord believes in me for "he will not give me anything He thinks I cannot handle".

At this moment I have but one choice as I see it. This tiny little love of a baby would come, slipping from my body into the doctor's hands and then mine. How would I greet this precious heavenly face? This is someone who will know my voice, my smell, my touch, he/she will be one of only 3 people who know me from the inside out. Will I cradle and rock this little baby with joy, or would I clutch his/her little body in my hands the way I did the little white stick back 6 years ago with worry, fear, and lack of faith. I must choose joy. I must surround my baby now and always with the assurance that he/she is not a mistake for God knew and God doesn't make mistakes. So feel free to ask me: am I excited, am I happy? I will happily turn to you and say: I am faithful and feel blessed to have the assurance from God that he will not give me anything I can't handle!! :)

xo, Heather

Time for something new....

Well, I'm over due for an update on our little life here in Evansville, so I guess I will start with this: If there is one thing that is certain in life, it is that everything changes!

Wow things have really started off different for us in 2009!! David has just changed jobs, which I must say is very stressful!!! Money is tight, and his current job is not what he was hoping it would be. We are still hopeful that something better will come along, and we are praying the Lord's timing will be better than our own!! :)

You would think during times of stress and times of uncertainty it would be easy to just dive into a pit of self pitty---for some that may work, but not for me. Everything that happens in life, happens in God's time, not my own. Right now it may appear to be "bad timing" or "bad luck" but in a year or two from now, I am certain I will look back at our current struggle and realize it got us to where we needed to be.

I'm sure 2009 will hold many more surprises, good and bad, for my little family. I welcome anything God has instore for us. I pray he opens my eyes and heart to see his plan and to understand what he has in store for me exceeds my own plan.

How can I sit back and complain about my husband not having the best job, when there are people out there that would give anything to just have a little bit of the happiness I have in other areas of my life. I have 2 beautiful healthy little girls, a loving husband, a wonderfully supportive family, fabulous friends, and my own health and well being. What we are going through right now is minor compared to some people who have to say goodbye to loved ones, don't have a home, have no one to help them or care about their struggles, or have a child who is ill. We are very blessed, and that is how I choose to see it!

I'm completely content on waiting for things to fall into place. I'm willing to accept any new trial the Lord may have for us. I'm also here to be supportive for anyone else who may have their own struggles. I strongly believe that you need to be the person for someone else, that you would like to be there for you.

This blog went a little deeper than I initially set out to write, but it's how I feel at this moment.

Loves, Heather

I'm ready for a fabulous new year!!!! How about you?

It has been quite a while since I posted, so since I am at my parents, and I am bored, I figure now is as good of time as any.

Things have gone pretty crazy here during the month of December. During the week of David's birthday on the 11th I came down with the flu. It was horrible timing with having to take finals and write papers for a couple of my classes. I ended up doing terribly on everything I turned in during that whole week. It made me realize how badly I wish I owned a Flux Capacitor (you know the thing that makes time travel possible) so I could go back and redo that whole last 2 weeks of school.

School has really been tough on me this last semester. The classes are getting more difficult and time is such a hard thing to find anymore. I don't have any time for studying, which is hard to handle because I'm surrounded by people who get to study atleast 3 hours a night and most of them get to study way more than that!! I am lucky to get in 1 and that is actually broken up between breaking up fights between the girls and picking up after the messes they create while I am studying.

I also have very little time to keep up with all the house work I have: laundry, dishes, laundry, dishes, and of course all the other fun things!! haha but I really hate laundry and dishes!!!!! I mean my house isn't a disaster, but it is so disorganized and that drives me CRAZY!!!! Especially with my horrible OCD!!!!!

Another thing I do not have any time for is just relaxing and having some time alone with David or getting to hangout with my friends. I just feel like all I do is juggle between being mommy and student and there isn't any in between---and I still don't feel like I'm doing that fantastic at either of those two. It just seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day.

All of this stress and the lack of time has really made me start to wonder what it will be like once I'm in medical school. I mean it's not going to be any easier. Sure the kids will be older, but I still won't have any time. I feel guilty because I know if I was just done with school and had a job I could be providing something to the family. Right now I feel like everything is just so stressful because I'm constantly so stressed!!

Things between David and I are good though. He is so understanding and is always there to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty and that I'm doing the best thing for my daughters by getting a good education that will be able to provide for them in the future.

I understand that becoming a doctor will definitely bring us in the money, but what good is it if I can't be involved in there lives to enjoy life with them. There are so many things I want to do and be there for; such as, I would love to coach soccer for my girls, but how will I do that if I am running my own practice or if I'm shacked up in some hospital on call all the time. I'm just so torn.

Medicine is my passion. It is definitely what I want to do. I want to use my knowledge and my sincere care for the person I am treating to impact the lives of my patients. I want my patients to come to me and know that they have someone who truely wants the best for them not only in health but in life as well. I want to be in a position to treat the person inside and out and make them feel better about whatever situation life may bring them after seeing me. I want the love God has given to shine in each of my patients' eyes as they leave my office. I want them to know I'm better as a care giver because of them. I want them to know I treat them as if they are family, not just an illness or disease.

I know becoming a doctor will lead me in this direction, however, I know the Lord put me here for 2 very specific reasons and I don't want to minimalize them: Abby and Laynie. I know the best thing I could do for the world is to make my children the best little contributors to society that they could possibly be. If I can raise my daughters to spread the love and knowledge of the Lord, then my job will have been done adequately. However, to ensure my daughters are brought up the way they need to be, then I need to be present.

I have really been thinking about what I should do career wise. An option that I have been toying with for some time is a Physician's Assistant. I could do what I truely love, and still have time to be there for my family. I wouldn't have the M.D. label behind my name or the Dr. in front of it, but you know that is ok with me.

I don't know though, I mean I still am looking into medical school, but I am definitely checking all my options. Maybe the Lord has something in store for me that I haven't even began to imagine.....who knows what life may hold.......

Thanks for reading my random thoughts. May you have a safe and blessed new year!!!!

xo, Heather

It's been a while...

Well, it has been a while so I thought I'd post a new blog.

Everything is going really well right now, just trying to de-stress my life haha. A little over a week ago I went to the ER because my heart was racing, my blood pressure was elevated, I had chest pains, and labored breathing---I was freaking out and thought I was having a heart problem or something!! lol

It turns out I was having a MAJOR panic attack. That made a lot of sense due to the fact I was studying for a big exam and had a paper to write and due on the same day as my exam, and on top of all that I had a messy house to clean and two little needy children. I also found out I was in the early stages of a urinary tract infection. Luckily for me I hadn't started developing any symptoms yet, and was able to get antibiotics to take care of that.

I couldn't really believe that stress can make your body go into such shock. I mean I guess I always knew stress wasn't good for you, but I never thought it could unbalance your system so badly that it goes into shock. I knew I was stressed, but I never thought I would get so stressed I'd have a panic attack.

David has been helping out a lot more around the house, and entertaining the kids so I can study. As long as he keeps that up, we'll be smooth sailing!!!

On a lighter note, I entered the USI Ideation Competition a few weeks ago and I found out this past weekend that my idea was chosen to be in the top 10!!! I was pretty pumped to hear that good news, especially because I just through my idea together in 15 minutes. First, second, and third place gets a cash prize so I would be more than happy to place in there somewhere!! They are holding the oral presentations during the first or second week of November in front of a panel of judges---so say a prayer I do well!!! I'll talk more about my idea I entered later on in another blog once the contest is over.

Well I hope all the eyeballs that read this blog are doing well!!! Take care!!

Heather

Living with Conditional Personality Disorder!!! haha

I love Sunday mornings, yet loathe them at the same time! It is great to get up and go to church with your family, but why must there be such a sense of hostility when preparing to get there???

For example, let's look at how completely wrong this is:

9:00am: I wake up to my alram clock blaring in my ear. I drag my tired body down the hallway and make my first attempt to wake up Abby. I then proceed to the bathroom, and stumble into the shower. I then throw in some Shampoo and Conditioner about as quick as I can. I jump out, throw on my robe, and slop my hair up in a towel (that was used the night before on two children before bed time).
9:15am: I turn on the coffee pot in hopes that the caffeine will rapidly find its way through my blood stream causing rapid rejuvenation...this never happens!
9:17am: A second attempt to wake up Abby---failure.
9:20am: I creep into my bedroom trying not to wake David (he works nights so he doesn't make it to church with us...maybe if I had his help my Sunday mornings wouldn't be so hard). I grab whatever is clean and hanging up in my closet, only to realize I have to go back in and grab something that actually fits......reminding myself I need to lose weight!
9:30am: I hear Laynie crying from her room. I open her door, smelling before seeing the disaster she has created for me to clean up. Why do my children like to get naked and explore the contents of their diapers?????
9:50am: After giving Elayna a bath, and cleaning up her stinky mess, I charge into Abby's room DEMANDING she get her "little sleepy butt out of bed".
9:55am: Abby finally gets up. I comb her hair and lay out her clothes on her bed.
10:00am: I dress Elayna again, as she has taken her clothes off in the play crib.
10:03am: I return to Abby's room to find her not dressed and watching T.V. After yelling at her for the second time, I furiously push her little body into her dress. I slide her sandals on her feet, then head to the bathroom to do my make up.
10:10am: I start gathering up my bible, purse, and diaper bag.
10:12am: I brush Abby's hair again and fight with her to get a clip in her hair.
10:15am: I go to pick Elayna up from the play crib, and I realize she has disrobed again!!! I tell her "that is a bad little baby" as she grins from ear to ear while clapping her little hands!!!
10:20am: I start loading up the girls in the car. Spanking Abby for taking out her hair clip. I throw the girls in their carseats and head to church---telling the girls how this is the "last time" we will head to church in this manner.
10:30am: Church has officially began!!
10:32am: We arrive at church! I drag the girls from their carseats as quickly as possible without giving them whiplash in the process. I take Laynie to the nursery, and Abby to Children's Church.
10:35am: I'm smiling from ear to ear, singing church hymms, and greeting the members of the church telling how "I am just fabulous, and so happy to be there!". ----How sick and twisted is that!?!?!? Is this called Multilple Personalities or what!? haha

Isn't it funny how you can be such a crab at home and on the way to church, but as soon as you hit the doors your life is "fabulous and you are just so happy to be there"?????

I hope I'm not the only one with "Conditional Personalities"---this is my own term I am using to describe how based on the condition of where I am my personality is totally different!! haha

In the beginning.....

This is my first blog, so I'm not going to go all crazy. I just want to let everyone know my motive for starting this blog. This wouldn't have happened if my friend Erica wouldn't have suggested it would be a good idea, so I want to thank her for giving me this idea!!!!

I really don't want to get into my background right now, to be honest that'd take forever! Hopefully through this blog you will be able to learn who I am and where I come from. From this blog you will be able to draw your own picture of what my life is all about. I feel your life and what you represent shouldn't have to be told, but through your words and actions people should be able to see it. My children are my legacy; and I hope they will one day look at how I lived my life and be proud of who I am and what I stand for.

I have started reading a book called: "Living the Wisdom of the Tao" by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. It is a great book of inspirational verses written by Lao-tzu some 25 centuries ago. It offers great insight and makes you dig deep into what you belive and question the reasoning behind how you live your life. I am only 4 verses into the 81 verses that are detailed in this book, and I have already found a new way to look at things in this world. You will probably see me refer to this book a lot in my future blogs.

You will have to bear with me through these blogs. When I start putting my thoughts down, my grammar goes out the window!!! You will see plenty of run on sentences, prepositions ending sentences, dangling participles, and the horrific misuse of the words "effect" and "affect". Please be prepared!!!! :)

Well thanks for reading and stay tuned for further ramblings!!!